How to cope with mother’s guilt

Nearly all moms experience some form of guilt. It could be because you missed a dance recital or baseball game, or you choose to have some “me” time instead of taking your kids to the movies.

“We live in an age of high expectations that everything is a Kodak, or nowadays a Facebook, moment,” says Alan Manevitz, MD, a psychiatrist with Lenox Hill Hospital in New York, to Webmd.com. “It’s very easy for mothers of newborns out of love and concern to feel traumatized quickly over all sorts of things.”

We set unreasonably high expectations for ourselves these days, and when we fall short, we feel inadequate. So what is a mom to do? Psychologist Cheryl Masters talked with the Charlotte Post and offers advice for coping with guilt-trips.

Take “Me” Time

As difficult as it can be to find the time, continue to exercise and socialize with friends or your partner without your baby. “Usually women feel a little guilty about [taking a time out] initially, but the benefits of it when they come back rejuvenated and rejoin the family, far outweigh trying to trudge through that 24/7 every day” says Masters.

Missing Milestones or Special Moments

You are only one person and can’t be there for every single school play or Fall Fun Fair, especially if you are a working mom. However with a little creativity and the technology available today, you don’t have to miss them entirely! Have your partner (if they can make it) or another parent record what you’re missing, then watch it together later as a family. Or, celebrate afterwards with a dinner out, or your child’s favorite home-cooked meal.

Stop Questioning Your Abilities as a Parent

Don’t compare yourself to a fictional composite of the perfect parent because no one can achieve that. “Every parent goes through stages where they think, ‘Am I really the one cut out for the job?’ But I think that’s a normal part of parenting to kind of question your own skills and ability because each phase brings new challenges. It’s hard sometimes,” says Masters.

We are our own worst critics, so try to keep it positive. Focus on all the good things you’re doing instead of what isn’t working. Mia Redrick, contributor to the Huffington Post, says “Ask yourself, ‘What am I doing right?’ Ask your children the same question. Their answers might surprise you.”

Find Support

Redrick suggests moms create a supportive community. “Consider joining in with a group of moms that are non-judgmental and supportive,” she adds. Develop a support system that works for you, gives you adult interaction when you need it, and includes people who understand your situation.

Be Present

In Today’s digital world, we’re always plugged in.  It’s easy to quickly check your email, but once you’ve checked one, you’ll probably check a dozen. When you’re at home, set limits so you are fully engaged when you are with your kids and partner.

“Mother’s guilt is only natural and is the consequence of wanting to be a good mother to your children,” says Redrick. All moms at some point, no matter how amazing, attentive, or committed they are, will feel like they aren’t good enough. It’s important to be realistic and deal with your perfectionism. Your kids don’t need a perfect mom, they just need unconditional love.